Our unique experiences and interpretation of the world, far too often paint an unrealistic/warped perspective/belief that is extremely slanted by our insecurities. I think this is a particularly poignant point when it comes to our self-esteem and self-image of our bodies, especially for women.
In a nutshell, self-esteem refers to how you feel about who you think you are. If you feel pretty good about who you think you are, then you will probably have good self-esteem. Body image, however, refers to how you feel about what you think you look like specifically, how attractive you think you are to others. The more importance we place on being considered attractive to others, the more vulnerable our self-esteem is. Bottom line, a healthy self-esteem should not rely on other people’s opinion of us.
So how do we take charge over our self-esteem? How do we take back the power of determining our self worth, from others? The answer is simple: by trusting ourselves. It is time to stop relying so heavily on external evaluations. We “know” that we are worthy. We “know” that we are attractive. We embrace this truth, and we must truly feel it, and believe it. Ask yourself what you find attractive in another, and i suspect that your answer won't come down to just size and shape.
About 2 years ago, a friend remarked to me that I am “so dedicated” when it comes to my exercise, an observation picked up from my daily 6 am gym visits (often 2-a-day workouts), on top of a full marathon training schedule. At the time I said, “huh, I don’t know why I am so consistent with it? I think I am literally scared of what will happen if I'm not active.” Of course, I can see now that it is much more than that–I love the way working out makes me feel, I don’t feel the same when I skip and more than anything, I seem dedicated because I am a personal trainer and have simply made it a habit. It was just “what I did” every day–there was no other alternative.
I have to admit that besides being somewhat embarrassed by my response now (I was out of balance in my life), more than anything it illustrates the point I am trying to make. If I think about it, I was scared of what it would mean if I stopped. Would it mean I was lazy? Would it mean I was undisciplined? Would it mean I would not be loved? Would it mean I would lose my clout as a fitness professional? Did it mean I would be unworthy in some way? Of course not! But for me, then, “not being active” only had the meaning that I GAVE IT.
As an aside, I am giving this example as a show of just how insecure and one-dimensional any of us can be at any given moment. Thankfully to date my self-perception has changed and I spend each day finding balance in being fit, healthy and happy. The above example is more to demonstrate my view at that time, which was such that I felt I would be somehow “less than” if I gained weight, which I feel is a very common feeling among women, unfortunately.
I think we do this with a lot of things. At it’s most basic level, saying something like “I need to be a size 4″ or else….or else what? THE ANSWER TO THE QUESTION OF WHAT YOU NEED TO BE (OR ELSE) IS WHERE YOUR INTROSPECTIVE JOURNEY BEGINS. I always say, what seems to be a body problem is really a mind problem!
If you can identify the thing you are most scared of becoming, then you can begin to face up to it. For example for me, saying I needed to be thin or lean wasn’t about that, it was about what I made it mean, and if I wasn’t thin, what I would make that mean. If I was able to stay lean, ‘”in shape” and play the part of the physique role model, then I could always find affirmation that I was good enough. If I didn’t have that, then what? What else could I possibly offer?
Essentially,we attach meaning to what we think it means to be fit. And my motivation for my dedicated fitness regimen was fear of not having my physique as an affirmation that I was deserving of being a personal trainer. Saying it out loud (or writing it) is embarrassing. But it is a good reminder to check my thoughts when I hear people say that they “need” to reach a certain size or look or body fat %, so then they can finally be (fill-in-the-blank)–happy, well-liked, adored, worthy, good, justified, etc.
This is normal stuff, we all do it. However, it is a useful practice to take stock of our fears. What is it that you simply cannot bare to have be a reality? What is it about that vision that scares the crap out of you? What would YOU make it mean if that were the case?
Situations, things, people, events, circumstances, etc are only as bad as we make them out to be. We create meaning out of the most benign things and then take those meanings to heart. We see and interpret things to suit our biases and satisfy our insecurities. Here’s an example:
I am a fit, muscular woman and someone remarks at how “buff” and “intense” I am. I can EITHER decide that they are being negative and take it to heart, then feel that I am unattractive in some way or unacceptable. OR I can decide that they are giving me a compliment, and decide that it’s nice they noticed and damn, I have worked pretty darn hard to have this “buff” body, and I love it! How cool that other people notice too! It’s a subtle distinction, but there are people all over the world making the first choice. They are getting all heated and sensitive about comments made to them, when in actuality, it is THEIR OWN INSECURITY that get them worked up in the first place.
In order to begin getting out of our own way with this stuff, one option is to give people the benefit of the doubt. People give what they believe is a compliment, how are they to know that what was said is being taken as an insult due to our over sensitivities. If I get upset over being called G.I. Amy then it is ONLY because I have a sensitivity around that. Maybe on some level I am worried that I am too muscular or too intense or too extreme, and the comment simply brings out that insecurity.
I am sure you can relate to this. We all do it. But the sooner we can catch ourselves getting caught up in our own BS, the faster we can make the turn-around and simply CHOOSE to create a different meaning. Practice makes progress. And the good news is that we have the control. How refreshing! That means, we are the ones able to change the situation, with a simple attitude adjustment.
Have a Happy and Healthy Day! Cheers :)